How to support your child’s emotional regulation skills

Our last blog focused on how unreasonable it is to expect young children to manage their emotions and how such skills develop slowly over time. In this blog we’ll be exploring the ways that we as adults can gradually support the emotional development of our little ones.

Soothe the baby: Babies and young toddlers cannot soothe themselves and require adult support. If we consistently soothe our young children they gradually learn the skills themselves. They will be able to then use these skills for emotions that aren’t too strong and over the whole of childhood slowly build up to using these skills for stronger or more complex emotions. Here’s an example to explain this further. A newborn baby is experiencing hunger for the first time - they never experienced it in the womb. This feels utterly overwhelming to a baby. When their caregiver responds by holding them and feeding them the baby will learn to feel safe. Over the next few months the baby will learn to tolerate short periods of being hungry until they can go a few hours without food as a toddler (their stomach’s also grow which helps this process). This skill of tolerating distress for brief moments might also be used by a young toddler to tolerate a wet nappy for a few moments, however, if he is in significant pain or another child steals his toy, then he doesn’t yet have the skills to deal with this more significant emotion. In summary, by soothing our babies we gently and slowly show them how to soothe themselves - but it takes years to be able to do this consistently.

Using language: As adults we know that the butterfly feeling in our tummy means we feel anxious or excited. This feels natural to us so it is easy to forget that children aren’t born with this knowledge. Young children need to be taught the words that link the physical sensation in their bodies and the thoughts in their minds. You can support your child’s emotional development, right from birth, by naming the emotions you think they are feeling. For example, to a newborn baby; "Oh I know, you’re so hungry and that feels scary!" and to a toddler "Sam took your toy without asking, you’re feeling angry - I can see you’re turning red".

Encouraging emotions: Many people in western society will have been encouraged not to express their emotions as small children and as adults might still find this difficult. But feeling safe enough to express all emotions - including sadness and anger - is how we learn to manage them. Although you might find it difficult when your child is angry, or experiencing another strong emotion, try to remind yourself that this is a normal, healthy part of their development.

Model your own skills: As adults most of us have learnt a variety of healthy strategies to cope with emotions; talking to a friend, having a bath, exercise, breathing techniques or positive self-talk. When we experience a strong emotion in front of our children there is no need to hide them, instead it can be a useful learning experience for your child to see how you manage your difficult emotions. For example, when stuck in a traffic jam you might say “Mummy is feeling really stressed right now as we’re going to be late. When I feel stressed I feel all hot and bothered and I find it harder to stay calm. I’m going to take some deep breaths to calm my body down again”. If you’re too stressed to do this in the moment, you can explain your emotions and response to your child at a later stage.