Helping toddlers manage their need for independence with their need for support

Toddlers sometimes have two, seemingly conflicting, needs - to be close to and rely upon their parents and to be as independent as possible. One of the challenges of the toddler stage for parents is spotting what your child needs especially as it can change from moment to moment. This blog discusses these ideas in more detail and helps you to notice your toddlers needs.

Safe place: Your toddler has built a relationship with you over the last few years and you are their safe, secure person. When your child experiences distress or difficulties they will look to you for support and comfort. You can support them when they are struggling by:

• Providing comfort when they are distressed, even for those seemingly small upsets

• Be the safe place where your toddler can express their emotions - no emotions are bad

• Show them love and care no matter their behaviour

Secure base: Toddlers also love to explore and learn. Toddlers are developing well when they use their caregivers as a secure base from which to explore. As they get older the length and distance of their exploration increases. For example, in a new soft play environment a younger toddler may play nearby and return frequently to you while an older child may be more comfortable running off and exploring. When they reach teenage years their exploration sometimes seems limitless! You can support your toddlers exploration by:

• Remaining attentive and watching them

• Stepping in when they look to you for help but not intruding when they are being self-sufficient

• Respond with joy, excitement and pride when they share their experiences with you

One of the challenges of parenting is noticing when your child is wishing to explore and when they are wishing you to be their safe place. One of the reasons this can be difficult is because as parents we might have preferences for our children; some parents find it easier when children are independently exploring while others find it easier when their child needs comfort and protection from them. It’s worth considering if you have a preference and if this sometimes means you miss signs from your child when they want the opposite. It can help to hold the following ideas in mind:

• What is my child needing right now? Our own experiences and expectations, plus what society expects of parents and children can impact what we see. By focusing on what our children need in the moment we can meet their needs more consistently.

• Good enough is good enough. We cannot get it right all the time! Let’s be kind to ourselves.