The importance of kind boundaries for toddlers

Different parenting approaches will often talk about boundaries for young children, but what does this actually mean? This blog discusses what boundaries are, how they support your toddler and how kind yet firm boundaries are usually the most effective.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries, in parenting, are clear, consistent limits that parents use to keep their children safe and well. They define what is acceptable in a family and in a community and help children to learn how to live and thrive in a society. It is important to note that the most effective boundaries are ones which say what we, as parents, will do. This is because our children’s behaviour is not within our control and as they grow our influence diminishes. Examples are:

• I need you to hold my hand near the road or I will place you in your pushchair.

• We must be fastened into our car seats when driving. I will be able to set off to the park once I have fastened you in.

How boundaries support your toddler

Toddlers are experiencing a huge amount of newness in their world; exploring everyday and learning new things. This is generally exciting and fun for them but it can also be overwhelming. Boundaries help our toddlers to know where the limits are so they can feel safe exploring within these limits. Boundaries help the world seem more predictable and ensure that they learn to interact with others in a way that supports positive social relationships.

It is also important to note that boundaries are most effective when used sparingly. Reserving boundaries for issues of safety and issues that are really important to your family helps your toddler to learn to respect them. Overusing them can cause a child to feel as though it’s difficult to stick to all of them. It’s therefore best to use other parenting strategies, such as modelling positive behaviour, for behaviours that you may (or may not - everyone is different!) find annoying or frustrating but aren’t dangerous such as throwing food and arguing with siblings. Every family will have different boundaries that are most important to them and this is ok, the key is to not overuse them.

Why kind boundaries are most effective

Kind boundaries are about sticking to the boundary while remaining respectful and empathic with your toddler. If we look at the examples above we can add in words to make our children feel understood and supported, even when they are distressed.

• I need you to hold my hand near the road or I will place you in your pushchair. I know that running is fun and it must be really frustrating to walk beside me but this is very important.

• We must be fastened into our car seats when driving. I will be able to set off to the park once I have fastened you in. I understand that you are sad and are really struggling with being fastened in today. I am here for you and will stay with you to help.

Kind boundaries help our children to continue to trust us and preserve our relationship even when things are distressing. When they feel understood they are also more likely to cooperate with our boundaries.